Deconstructing the narrative you have long believed about your life is at the core of the work we do. So often, our subconscious is driving our actions, whether we are choosing to use drugs, sex, or other means of distraction, or engaging in self harming behaviors. Many times these patterns continue because we haven’t uncovered our truth yet.
If you grow up in an abusive family, and the abuse is all that you know, it will seem perfectly normal. Therefore, abusive patterns continue. It is when you recognize that what you thought was loving and normal was actually abusive and harmful that you begin to wake up and see the truth. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with you, there were a lot of things wrong with your environment. However, for many of us, it is a much more palatable narrative and reality construction to believe our family lives were normal and loving. Accepting the truth means the people who raised you did a sub standard job of raising you and loving and supporting you, and once you see that truth, the floodgates of anger, resentment, and grief can open. It can be so difficult to feel the weight of these emotions that continuing the narrative of the happy family may be easier. However, getting to the other side of that anger and grief is a piece of the freedom that will lead you to your awakening. The resistance to the truth because of the emotions behind it keep us stuck in old patterns. This is why we hear the phrase “the truth will set you free” (But first it will piss you off).
The truth may not be easy or kind. You may wish to stay in the matrix. I was like this for years, craving the bliss I was told came alongside ignorance. I was so reluctant to having the veils removed because, like many of the lies I told myself, I thought they were keeping me safe. The truth can be mind bending and terrifying. This is why we don’t awaken all at once, and for those who experience spontaneous awakening it is often confused with psychosis. First relinquish your resistance to the truth. Then it will find you, and you can begin peeling back layer after layer. Trust that the process will unfold you as safely as possible. Trust in your own narrative, and believe in yourself. Flex the muscle of shutting down a narrative that doesn’t resonate with what you know.
You can get free, but first you have to get brutally honest.
How will you know when you’ve landed at the truth? It’s a combination of being willing to accept what you know and being willing to accept what you don’t know. As both drug use and disassociation are linked to memory loss, there may be some memories that stay locked away. Excavation is helpful to a point, but you may eventually reach a place where you know you’ve uncovered enough, and whatever is left behind will resurface on its own. Part of the mystery of being human is that there is much we don’t know about the world around us, the cosmos, even our own bodies. There are so many beautiful mysteries. After a while, uncovering every harmful memory may lose its potency, it may lose its power to transform you, and it may become more harmful that helpful.
At a certain point in time, you have to be willing to walk away from your narrative so you can begin a new one. You can only keep your feet in two worlds for so long before you become torn apart. When the time is right you can step into your present self, relinquish your victimization patterns and be boldly who you really are.